When we enter into a romantic relationship, we tend to focus on the positive aspects of our partner and our shared experiences. But as time goes on and the inevitable challenges arise, it can become all too easy to focus on the negative. This negative focus can lead to what John and Julie Gottman call "negative sentiment override," a phenomenon that can have a significant impact on the health of a relationship.
Negative sentiment override occurs when negative thoughts and feelings about one's partner become so dominant that they begin to override any positive thoughts or feelings. In other words, it becomes difficult to see the good in one's partner, and everything they do or say is interpreted through a negative lens.
There are a number of factors that can contribute to negative sentiment override. For example, past negative experiences in relationships, individual personality traits, and stress or external pressures can all contribute to a negative mindset. However, the Gottmans argue that the most significant factor in creating negative sentiment override is the way that partners interact with each other.
When partners consistently engage in negative behaviors such as criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, it can create a toxic cycle that reinforces negative sentiment override. For example, if one partner is consistently critical of the other's actions or behavior, the criticized partner may become defensive and resentful. Over time, this defensiveness can turn into contempt, which can be particularly damaging to a relationship. When partners feel contempt towards each other, they begin to see each other as inferior, and their negative feelings can quickly override any positive sentiment they might have had.
The impact of negative sentiment override on relationships can be significant. When partners are unable to see the good in each other, they may begin to feel disconnected, unappreciated, and unloved. They may start to question their relationship and whether it is worth continuing. Over time, this can lead to feelings of loneliness and depression, which can further erode the relationship.
The good news is that negative sentiment override can be overcome. The key is to focus on creating a positive emotional connection with one's partner. According to the Gottmans, there are several steps that couples can take to improve their emotional connection and overcome negative sentiment override.
The first step is to become more aware of one's negative thoughts and feelings towards their partner. This means paying attention to the way one thinks and feels about their partner, and identifying any negative patterns or cycles that might be present. By becoming more aware of these negative patterns, it is possible to take steps to break them and replace them with more positive behaviors.
The second step is to focus on building a culture of appreciation and positivity within the relationship. This means actively looking for the good in one's partner and expressing appreciation for the things they do. It also means creating opportunities for positive experiences and shared activities that can reinforce positive sentiment.
The third step is to focus on improving communication and reducing negative behaviors. This means avoiding criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, and instead, learning to communicate in a more positive and productive way. This can be achieved through techniques such as active listening, using "I" statements, and taking breaks when things get too heated.
Ultimately, overcoming negative sentiment override requires a commitment from both partners to focus on building a positive emotional connection. This means being willing to put in the time and effort to improve communication, focus on the positive, and break negative patterns of behavior. By doing so, it is possible to create a stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling relationship that can stand the test of time.